Patchology™ — Stick-On Salvation
Salad Patch™ & Straw Sucker™ :
Detox Your Wallet through Veggienometrics
Join the Salad Patch™ & Straw Sucker™ Movement
Zero ingredients. Zero effort. 100% placebo-activating Patchology™.
Why waste time chewing nutrient-deficient vegetables grown in depleted soils under carcinogenic moonlight exposure when you can slap on our patented bio-lattice stickers?
Salad Patch™ — Nourishment Through Veggienometrics™
Forget kale sludge that tastes like lawn clippings. Our Salad Patch™ reprograms your body through quantum phytonutrient resonance, no juicer required.
Daily activation includes:
- Stem-Celery Pathways™ — supports stalk integrity at the mitochondrial core.
- Lettuce Lattice Alignment™ — corrects vibrational sagging of leafy chakras.
- Crouton Matrix Unlocking™ — moisturises your crunchy connective tissues using proprietary Veggie Hydrosyphonics™.
Straw Sucker™ — Overnight Detox Syphonology™
Is your wallet constipated? Are your toxins refusing to let go?
The Straw Sucker™ is the stickler solution for the Tight-Donkeyed™:
Works while you sleep.
Employs Reverse Osmotic Kale-Syphon™ Technology to siphon toxins through your soles.
Leaves behind only geocleansed brown residue (a sign of deep detoxification and definitely not just patch chemicals reacting with your sweat).
Wake up lighter, smugger, and financially relieved.
Dung Patch™ — Gut Flora Bioptimizer™
Antibiotics killed your microbiome. We bring it back.
Infused with artisanal cow essence for polybacterial biodiversity™.
May cause minor home fermentation events (don’t worry if the cat moves out — you’ll save on cat food).
Roses thrive when used patches are discarded into your garden or compost toilet.
Say Goodbye to Banana Spine Syndrome™
Without support, your bones’ crystalline bio-scaffolding may collapse into fruit-shaped curvature.
Our Celery Patch™ strengthens the osteovegetal framework of your skeleton — keeping you crisp, upright, and stalk-strong.
Berry Patch™ — Healing Emotional Fruit Trauma™
Still grieving the Berry you lost to an Apple Pod™ in 2005?
Berry Patch™ applies psycho-phytonutrient harmonics to restore balance, lighten your wallet, and soothe long-suppressed smoothie grief.
Veggie Data™ — As Verified By Us
97% experienced enhanced lattice hydration.
82% achieved toxin relief via kale-syphonology™.
100% saw measurable wallet lightening, reducing carrying load and karmic debt.
1 in 4 cats relocated permanently.
100% of spouses slept better in the spare room.
Testimonials You Can Absolutely Distrust™
“My Crouton Matrix was cracked. Now it’s supple and hydrated. My sandwiches thank you.” — Lettie L., Latticetown
“After one night on Straw Suckers™, I floated out of bed. The brown residue proved my geocleansing was complete.” — Kale Quack, detox survivor
“The cat fled after my Dung Patch™ night, but the roses… oh my roses… have never looked better.” — Anonymous, Cow-Adjacent
“I finally forgave my Blackberry. Thank you Berry Patch™.” — Tech Widow, 2005
Our Promise:
Do these patches work?
Absolutely — we turned salad mumbo jumbo into stickers and marketing patches into financial starvation.
If kale couldn’t fix you, our zero-ingredient organic recycled patches will definitely provide lasting financial relief.
Veggie Patch Disclaimer™
Side effects may include: spontaneous cat evacuation, kale-flavoured flatulence, and roses blooming uncontrollably when exposed to your compost toilet contents. Not approved by the FDA, TGA, USDA, or your grandma. Patches are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent anything — except possibly your social life. Results may vary depending on moon phase, spinach frequency, and how tight your Lettuce Lattice is aligned. Do not apply while operating heavy juicers. Consult your local crouton before use. If kale couldn’t fix you, our zero-ingredient organic recycled patches will definitely provide effective financial relief. Better medicine than celery taped to your shin for better skin.
Salad Patch Jingle
Why drink kale sludge when a sticker will do?
Stem-celery pathways aligning for you!
Crouton Matrix nourished, Lettuce Lattice too…
With Salad Patch™, you’ll feel brand new!
Straw Patch at night, syphon toxins away,
Dung Patch ferments, keeps the cows at bay!
Berry Patch heals what the Apple took that day…
Your wallet feels lighter — hooray, hooray! 
by Lorea Elia